My Mental Health Update, January 2018

I often feel that the content I create is overly superficial. Comparison comes into play when I see other amazing bloggers write about topics which other people can relate to and feel like they are not alone. That comparison then feeds into my anxiety which is just not good at all. Ever.

I've dealt with anxiety ever since I can remember. I've always been a worrier, even as a child, and as I've gotten older it started to affect the things most important to me. I thought it would be helpful (to me at least) to do these mental health updates so I can actually see where I am at and in like six months or something I'll do another one and see what has changed. Granted I could just write this in a diary but by putting it here makes me more motivated to do it.

So, I've been medication for around six months maybe. I'm not entirely sure. Since I started taking it I have noticed a change in my anxiety which has been very welcomed. My 'superficial' layer of anxiety is gone but I still have the same hang-ups which just stop me in my tracks.

These include phone anxiety; when I have to make appointments/talk to anyone I don't know. Whenever I see a number come up on my screen I panic and quickly google it. However, it is harder for me to call back so answering it the first time is better for me. I'm completely fine with friends and family though, I don't even think about it.

I have decided to go back to uni this year. It's the most logical step for me but I have as yet told my parents. When I graduated two years ago they expected me to get a job which I have tried to do but have not been successful. I don't think they like the thought of adding to the student loan but I know I can't move forward to the job I want without it. The degree itself triggered my anxiety by the fact I will have to go down to Wellington for classes. The part the panics me the most is getting to and from the airport, like do I get the bus or uber/zoomy/taxi or whatever. I get anxious over the unknown, I was the same with buses but I've kind of gotten over it. I still have to plan in advance and make sure what bus and know exactly where the stop is.

Another thing is telling people stuff, like my parents about uni. I'm not the most natural talker, I'd much rather write. I find it hard to open my mouth and share what I'm feeling, it makes it hard to be open with people and have close relationships which are something I want. If I share I'm more open to attack so I keep everything closely guarded. I'm still fearful of other people's opinions popping my bubble of a decision. One of the things I dislike about myself is how easily my thoughts are swayed by someone else. By keeping things in nothing can be affected.

I want 2018 to be the year I finally start moving forward.

Ashley xx